My Hours

I have been eating my stress.  Up until today the BF has been working nights and I am ashamed to say that I waited each night for him to go to work and then I would cook a single serve chocolate cake and eat it.  Like a ritual.  The door would close and I would turn the oven on.  13 minutes later I would sit in my little office that he built for me and eat it.  Then I would eat a baked or grilled pork chop and some vegetables.  It doesn't sound so terrible, but we're talking about 11 PM and let's not ignore the fact that I wasn't hungry.

It's not because I don't want him around.  It's not because I don't love him.  He truly is a wonderful person and has treated me better than anyone I've ever been involved with.  It's just that those hours are the only time that I feel like I can be myself without feeling guilty about it.

I have never been able to sugar coat anything.  I don't function well if I can't tell somebody exactly what's on my mind, but I really need that person to be able to handle it.  I don't carry the burden of somebody else's insecurities well.  I have too many of my own.

I think a lot of my stress is the fact that I haven't been able to just be myself.

This is probably the most selfish list I have ever written, and that's saying a lot. But here it is.....

Shit that is just me:

I read before bed.  It calms me down so I can sleep.

I have trouble getting to sleep, so on days that I don't have to get up for anything, I may not.  It is not abnormal for me to sleep 10 or 12 hours on a day off.  I'm not depressed, I'm tired and I'm catching up.

I can't just sit and watch TV.  I have to knit or crochet or something.  Been that way since I was like 13.  That is just a concrete piece of my personality.

I spend a lot of time in my office....

I spend a lot of time on the computer.  I have zero friends here.  So, I keep up with all of my friends, who live in different states and different countries on facebook.  Facebook is on my computer, in my office.

I write.  That is on my computer, in my office.

Writing requires research.  That is on my computer, in my office.

I am in school, so I must study.  At my desk, in my office, where my text books live.

Most of the things I do are in my office.  Therefore, I spend a lot of time in my office.

I want to improve who I am.

I want to improve and learn every day.

I fail a lot, I stagnate, I procrastinate, but I am trying to get better every day.

That is shit that is just me.

That has got to be enough.

Sweat hard folks,

Sherry

What do you do when you're just too fucking tired to keep going?

Things That I have Learned

The hotter you reheat your coffee, the faster it cools off.  Unless that's what your waiting for, then its like taking a sip of Mordor for like an hour.

Anything before 9AM is too loud.

Television before noon is a complete invasion of mind and spirit.

Dwayne Johnson (the Rock) has epic cheat days.  I mean epic.  Check out the pictures on Twitter.  But he waits like 3 or four months for them.  Moral of the story, cheat night doesn't have to be every week.  So, now I'm doing ten days instead of a week, later I'll start going longer.  'Cause let's face it, I would kind of like to sit down and eat an entire pan of brownies with no self loathing.  But I'll start a little smaller and work my way up.

Shoes don't stretch, and leopards don't change their spots.

Buy pants that match your cat.  It just makes life easier.

The time is going to pass anyway.  You may as well start doing something now that you'll thank yourself for a year from now.

Everybody likes to call somebody else's religion a cult, but they don't like the mirror being reflected back at their own.

Just 'cause it's short doesn't mean it can't kick your ass.  This is true of ninjas, house cats and HIIT workouts.

Sweat hard folks,

Sherry

finally done

I finished ChaLean Extreme yesterday.  Granted I spliced the last two weeks with Turbo Fire. But still I finished it.  That's a big step for me.

So, now its on to working through this Turbo Fire:  Fire Starter program.  I can tell you this, I'm grateful for the Fire Starter program.  'Cause this is some hard cardio.  It's really funny.  But it's taking me some time to learn the routines and it'll definitely drag some sweat out of you.

In the Fire Starter program there is a lot of stretching and core and sculpting mixed in while you get accustomed to the cardio.  I find that I actually really like the Stretch 40 Class, which is a surprise because I really hate the 20 minute Recharge workout on ChaLean Extreme.  I don't know why, I just hate it.

I have 3 12 week programs to get through on Turbo Fire:  Fire Starter, Prep Schedule and then the regular schedule.  Don't know when I will be able to afford to get the Advanced discs for the program so I'll do the advanced program later.  I'll just do the ChaLean Extreme/Turbo Fire Hybrid and then knock out the P90X programs since I already have that, so I can do the P90X/Turbo Fire Hybrid.

I little OCD and tedious, but that is the next 2 or 3 years of my life right there.  I can't wait to continue tackling these programs.  Unfortunately, today is a rest day.

Sweat hard folks,

Sherry

Just Do It

There are days when we are completely unfocused.  For those of us in my particular age bracket, we can't afford to not focus on our fitness for long.  After 40 progress is made so slowly and lost so quickly.

Therefore, from time to time we have to remind ourselves just to get up and do it.

Do it for those days when your toes tingle and it scares that crap out of you.

Do it for those green embroidered pants that you love so much and are dying to wear again.

Do it because you made it so far just a year ago and you know you can get back there.

Do it for that kid you know that needs a better influence because she doesn't get it at home.

Do it for the right to wear any damned thing you want to wear.

Do it for the guns.

Do it for the appreciative looks.

Do it for your health.

Do it for the fact that you don't ever want to be told you can't drive a sports car because your ass doesn't fit in it.

Do it because you'd rather have an incredible first life than a colorful virtual life.

Do it because it feels good to lap the smart phone addicted zombies.

Do it because you don't have to be better than anybody other than the person you are today.

Do it because you are frolicking worth the effort.

Sweat hard folks,

sherry

This Is Why We're Fat

A place to put all the appalling things that make us fat.

I found this at Kroger's.  Now don't get me wrong, I love Kroger's.  I love any place that I can get meat on sale.  Cause let's face it, you don't find coupons for meat unless its processed pre-cooked crap.  But seriously, who are you going to give a garbage food bouquet to?  What are you gonna write on the card?  "I noticed that you're a fat ass, thought you would like this."  This is why we're fat folks.

I had hoped that Hostess going under was a sign that, as a country we are starting to expect more from our food, but then I found the Half Pound Reese's cup.

Now folks, I love me some sweets, but I have gradually had to learn that this stuff is not food.  It's addictive poison.  This stuff should be a rare treat not a twice daily indulgence.

I include myself in this and I am slowly learning to fix it, but our addiction to sugar and crap food is killing us. I know kids that have tried every one of the new flavors of Lays Potato chips but don't know that carrots come in other colors besides orange.

Maybe we could challenge ourselves.  Maybe for every new sugary treat or new dessert we try, we could go find a new fruit or vegetable to try as well.  Let's help ourselves out folks, and set an example for the young people around us who have learned through observation that its all right to get you lunch from a convenience store.

I thought I was done with this for the month, then I found Squeez Bacon.  Pick a deity and pray to it, 'cause we need it.

Sweat hard folks, 

Sherry

Open Letter to a 12 Year Old

There is going to be a day about 13 years from now when you realize that you do not know everything.

There is going to be a day 20 years from now when you wish that you had listened to the two adults that tried to lead you to a better life, even if one of those people was not your mother.

We don't keep junk food out of the house to make you suffer and I want so badly to remind you every weekend that when you decide starve yourself for a full day so that you can go home and eat garbage, that you are not doing yourself any favors.  But there is a point where the wisdom of age tells me that I have to just back off and maybe from time to time try and expose you to something new without making it look like I'm doing it.

What you don't know right now is that your mother's lifestyle is killing her, and its killing you as well.  What you don't know right now is that the eating habits and lifestyle habits you are living under are leading you down a road that you can avoid.  Right now you are headed towards diabetes and high blood pressure at a very young age, possibly even before you finish college.  What you don't know now is that keeping your head buried in your phone or buried in your laptop is setting you up for a habit that will make simply walking across a parking lot harder than it needs to be.  With this lifestyle simply walking up stairs will be excruciating by the time you are 35.

So, when someone is willing to take an interest, when someone is willing to try and expose you to new things  it doesn't really matter if you think you will like it.  It only matters that you have an open mind and that you give it a try.  You might find something outside of that iPhone that you really enjoy, you might find a reason to look up and not let your life pass you by.  Trust me at 40 you're going to want to look at your body and be proud of how you've taken care of it. You are going to want to look back at all the things that you have done and all of the things that you can do and be satisfied with your life.  You don't want to wonder what you could have done if you had gotten up and moved around instead of staying glued to various media screens.

The effects of a bad diet and a sedentary lifestyle will lead you to a point where you spend all of your free time in bed with your laptop while the exciting and fascinating life that you could have had passes you by.  28 years from now you will look back and you will wonder where your health and your life went and you might think about the two people who tried to plant those seeds of health and life all those years ago.

You have a wonderful opportunity very early in your life to change everything in your life for the better, if you will just wake up and take it.

Sweat hard,

sherry

tired

You give up a lot as a woman, when you fall in love with somebody.  It doesn't matter how much you have in common.  It doesn't matter if you like a lot of the same music.  It doesn't matter that you enjoy the same shows together.  Once you move in with him you give shit up.

I loved the douche bag, so I forgave him for killing my dog over cheesecake.  I gave up another dog that I absolutely adored because he just couldn't stop being a complete asshole about him.  He let me have a dog and then did every thing he possibly could to make me and the dog miserable about it.

I'm a huge movie buff, I had probably a thousand movies on DVD.  I don't pirate, I hate that.  Half of them ended up in crates in the shed because "they took up too much room."  Now I'm missing at least a full crate of movies.  I'm also missing at least one crate of clothes.

Then Skankageddon hit and, other than the tawdy lying and cheating, what pissed me off a lot is all the parts of me that I'd sliced off of myself for that relationship.  My independence...friends...movies.  Poor Bogart that is probably dead now and all he ever wanted was to please me and be close to me and I let him go to make somebody that was lying to me and cheating on me happy.

Now I'm still rebuilding.  Trying to get into this PTA program, trying to build a career this late in life.  Struggling constantly, mostly because I wasted time on a relationship with the wrong man.

Yeah, women are stupid.

I am so tired, and so stressed out.  I keep getting in my own damned way when it comes to getting what I want.  There are a dozen times a day that I just want to sit down in a cool shower and cry, but I have to press on.  I have to press on constantly and see this crap through because its my last hope.  But Jesus, I am just so tired.

Sweat hard folks, and thanks for listening.

Sherry

Walk Away, Just Turn and Walk Away

This semester I've been taking a Human Sexuality class.  It was either that or Child development and well ick.

In addition to learning way more than I ever wanted to know about male and female sex organs we've talked a little about relationships.

Now anybody that has been on this ride with me since the early days of this blog know something about my relationship history and a few things that a certain number of people should burn in hell for.  But until one fateful day in Sex class I hadn't really tied all the strings together.

My instructor didn't say this in so many words but my paraphrase of the lecture is this.  "I'm attracted to you, so you must be Satan."

The gist of it is this.  When you walk into a new situation, a new job, a new room, or in my case for many years a new assignment, you're gonna meet new people.  There is going to be that one person.  That one person who you zero in on immediately.  The Italians call it the lightning bolt.  This person is going to seem to have an aura, even a glow like one of those suck ass glittery vampires.  You are going to be so drawn to this person that you are not going pay much attention to anybody else.  That person could be married, they could be living with someone they could be about to move very far away.  It doesn't matter.  You want that person.

Walk the frolic away!  99 times out of a hundred this is the worst person you could possibly get involved with.  This relationship is going to be hot and passionate and you may even see fireworks, but the hotter it starts the shorter and uglier its gonna end.

exhibit A:  Bitch  Face.  Took me away from home and family, short violent temper.  I had to join the military to escape him.

exhibit B:  Butt Head; (the names are changed to protect the innocent)  Lust at first sight.  Even his buddies were getting out of the way at the BBQ because the eye fucking that was going on between us was starting to make the feel awkward.  Couple of good weeks then he started treating me like shit.  Even years later when I forgave him (long distance) he proceeded to lead me on again.

exhibit C:  Douch Bag.  I knew from the first second we met that we were going to end up involved in some fashion.  6 years wasted on somebody that was so absolutely allergic to telling the truth that he couldn't even remember all the lies he told.  Cheated with at least 14 other people.  Knocked somebody up behind my back, and his mother still thinks I'm the shit heal. 

And there are so many others.  Well maybe not sooo many, but enough to prove the point,.

The common denominator?  They were all lightening bolts.  They were all people that I saw and immediately felt a connection with.  People that I immediately had a strong physical reaction to.  They all ended badly.  Some destroyed my health, some destroyed my self esteem, one burned down my life.

But still with all of this evidence it took a college course to tell me that the person I have a fierce physical and gut attraction to is, most likely, the wrong person.

I went home from this lecture feeling cathartic and a little stupid.  I mean shit I had to have a 60 year old man tell me what I should have figured out from horrendous experience....

Then, I looked through my movie collection.  American movies are full of lies.  They give us this fairy tale image of what relationships should be.  They tell us that the pretty girl and the handsome boy are meant to be together and most of the time they even have to break up and be apart and come back together for it to be real.  That you can have sex the first week you meet somebody and have it turn out happily ever after.  Well take it from my experience, its all bull shit.

There is no Prince Charming, there is no Cinderella there is no happily ever after in the big castle with no cares in the world.

There is only figuring out that person that you can live with on a day to day basis.  The person that you don't want to choke when the wake you up when you just don't want to frolicking be awake.  That person that you can live with, not that person that you can't live without.  Because like it or not, when the sex is over...you're gonna have to be able to have a conversation with this person.  You're gonna have to be able to have a lot of conversations with this person.

Sweat hard folks, and when that lightning bolt hits you, you'll know what to do.  But you probably won't do it.

Sherry

It's Not the Answer You Want

We all have friends that are trying to lose weight.  Let's face it, as Americans a lot of us are trying to lose weight ourselves.

We all know how to do it.  But so many people think that they are going to find the easy way out. 

Weight loss pills that use thermogenics to burn more fat.  Foods that have negative calories.  Machines that shock our abs into submission.  Fasts, cleanses, diets that tell you that you can eat 6 slices of bacon, but you can't have an apple.  Hollywood diets, celebrity secrets, juicing, wraps that shrink your middle....There are a million quick fixes out there just waiting to take your money.

The bottom line is that any of these things that are worth even a moments thought tell you the same thing.  Combine these things with a healthy diet and exercise.

Oh shit!  There it is.  I just let out the secret.  Healthy diet and exercise.

Folks, there is no magic pill.  There is no magic wrap.  There is no magic cleanse and fasting won't help you.  You've got to start making smarter choices about what you shove down you gullet and you have to get up and move around.  And if you're over thirty you have to take steps to build muscle.   That's it, that's how its done.

Harder work than you are doing now, better food choices and consistency.  Give in, just do it.  Do the research, read the labels and sweat.  It's so much easier and so much cheaper than chasing every traveling snake oil cure that comes down the pike.  Get off your ass, learn about what you should and should not be eating 90% of the time and work for it.

It's going to take time, you didn't gain 20 to 80 pounds over the course of two weeks, you are not going to lose it that fast.  You're going to have to devote to it and make it a new lifestyle.

I know that's not the answer you want to hear, but that's the truth.  But believe me, you are worth the effort so go ahead and put it forth.

Sweat hard folks,

Sherry